Honest Cover Letter

Hello Human/Machine,

This is a cover letter, which I am obligated to write as part of the application process for your company. No one will read this.

My name is Andrea and I’m applying to do some menial tasks at your company.

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been dreaming of the day that I could perform mindless tasks at one job until I find another job that requires me to do slightly fewer mindless tasks. All this, in the hopes that one day I may have virtually no mindless tasks at all.

I’m slightly paranoid, in that I think everyone hates me and is judging me. I’ve found this to only hold me back 80-92% of the time in both my personal and professional aspirations.

If you tell me “Andrea, can you please have that report to me by 2:00 pm”

I’ll hear “Andrea, I hate you, go die.”

I apologize profusely for most things, sometimes I’m not even sure what exactly I’m apologizing for. As a corollary to apologizing for everything, I enjoy dwelling on mistakes for years if not decades, often in the quiet of my bedroom in the middle of the night. I don’t think this makes me special or unique, I just like to mention it occasionally.

Sometimes I speak to myself in a British accent when I’m getting ready in the morning. I have no idea why.

I love making self-depreciating jokes that make everyone uncomfortable. I like to end email chains with awkward statements. If I’m being honest, I prefer to end every interaction awkwardly and if it’s not awkward, I like to make it awkward by saying how awkward that one thing I just did was. I know the whole awkward thing was really early 2000s but it feels like home to me.

Almost every situation reminds me of an SNL episode that no one else has ever seen, but which I will bring up anyway. I still listen to a lot of 90s alternative music which I’m pretty embarrassed about. I don’t let anyone see the album art that is displayed on my iPhone for that very reason. I become emotionally attached to fictional characters and cried for about thirty-minutes after I finished the third installment of Mass Effect.

I harbor a deep rage for the term and business practice of “growth hacking.”

I had a really big crush on my history teacher Junior year of high school and maintain that it was the only motivating factor for my academic success that year. If my friends and co-workers could say anything about me they would say I’m extremely competitive up to a point.

You’ll find that I do not share my opinion freely, instead opting for the time 10 minutes after a meeting or important event has passed. I fall up the stairs a lot because I place too much confidence in my ability to walk. Speaking of confidence, I have very little. When people compliment me I assume they are lying to me, which makes everyday conversation very exciting.

I’m afraid of phone calls, confrontation, listening to voicemails, running out of coffee, having my skirt tucked into my underwear, people talking about me behind my back, people noticing my lazy eye, people commenting on my lazy eye, getting older, failing at any thing at all, and many more! 

Anyway, I think I’d be a pretty good fit for your company so if you are interested please send me an email or text message me.